The haze

My emotions have been like weather in the Carolinas (aka always changing). I know some of you may start reading this and say ‘ugh she’s such a whiney hiney.’ Yes I know that, but this blog is my outlet and helps me so much. 

Not getting my number 1 choice for internships hurts. I feel as if I have been broken up with. What did I do wrong? Why does this happen to me? Everything was perfectly aligned for me to be in Charleston with many of my best friends and my sister at an amazing teaching hospital. Now, I’m still unsure of where I’ll be because the program I matched to is all over SC and Charlotte. It’s a ceaseless waiting game. 

I feel like I did everything right this time around. Why do I feel like I never get what I really want when it really matters? I have to believe it’s all in God’s plan, but that’s looking pretty darn hazy right now. I really regret not keeping in touch with my therapist. I feel like most people will just tell me to be happy and stop feeling sorry for myself. But I feel genuinely heart broken. I can’t sleep because I’m stressing about where I’m going to live next year and what I did wrong to not get MUSC. I can’t help but blame my perfectionism. I should be in the perfect internship in a perfect downtown house right by the hospital with the perfect roommates. Welp I know that perfect isn’t a thing. But sometimes I have high hopes that I will get what my heart genuinely deeply desires, especially after how hard I have worked. 

I’m hurt, and it’s going to take time. On top of the hurt, I hate the unknown. I was sure come this past Sunday, I’d know where I’d be living, and I could at least plan the next phase of my life. Jokes on me. I have another 2 months before I know where I’ll be placed. I like to plan so this situation is less than ideal. I’m sure come a few months from now, I will be happy and hating myself for being so disappointed right now. But it’s life and I have to feel the emotions I am having rather than letting eda take over to hide those emotions. 

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