What’s wrong with being confident?

Many guys would say that confidence is a trait that they find very, if not, most attractive in a woman.  I have always been jealous of girls who exude confidence because I have never been one of those people.  My confidence definitely fell in high school and continued to dwindle throughout college with the depths of my spell under eda.  As I have restored weight and regained my life back, my confidence, however, has not returned to me.

Last summer, I took a job in the town my family has a beach house as a hostess at a local restaurant.  I had never been in the food service industry, but I thought “how hard could it be?”  Well man I was wrong, it is not easy, especially during the summer months at one of the most popular restaurants in Pawleys Island, SC.  I began and carried out my job last summer with the constant feeling that I was always doing something wrong, and I would never be a good hostess.  The job actually takes a lot more skill than most people would think.  Last summer, as I was training, I received a lot of constructive criticism, which I took pretty heavily.  My perfectionism was ruined by the fact that I felt I would never be good at my job.  Therefore, my confidence was extremely low every time I punched that clock in preparation for the day or night ahead of me.

I decided to give the job another shot this summer.  I have only been there for a week so far, but my confidence in my abilities as a hostess is now so much better.  Coming into this summer already knowing how things work, I jumped right into it.  I immediately felt confident in what I was doing and how to handle the daunting list of reservations for a Saturday night in the summer at the beach.  I realized this morning what confidence can do to you.  I mean I am a totally different person behind that hostess stand now.  It is my confidence that has helped me to be much more successful.  I was completely capable of being just as successful last year, but starting off feeling like I was inadequate hindered me from being my best.

Confidence can completely change our abilities in almost anything.  If I were to approach other tasks with more confidence, I could be so much more successful, and I think anyone could do the same.  Even though eda took away a lot of it, I am learning the importance of confidence to be a better me.

Whine Desert

Anyone who knows me knows that I have dessert every single night.  I love to bake so it is usually some sort of baked good with ice cream on top (PS Halo Top is the bomb)!  This was even the case when eda was in my life.  It was the one thing that I truly think saved my life.  I would eat literally nothing all day except a protein bar and exercise 2+ hours, but I always had my dessert.  It has always been ‘my time’ with my dessert in bed watching TV.

A couple months ago, I decided to try to avoid desserts because I felt like I was not eating as much during the day because I was ‘saving up’ for dessert that night.  It was really hard and I missed my dessert so much.  Finally while on spring break, my sister basically said cut it out, that is eda talking.  And you know what?  She was so right.  My ice cream time is my time and usually one of my favorite parts of my day.

Another love of mine is wine.  This past year, school isn’t super stressful and time consuming, unlike undergrad.  In addition as most of you know, I have been extremely lonely in Charlotte with few girlfriends.  So honestly, wine has become a major relaxation mechanism for me.  Now don’t get me wrong, I am not chugging wine every night, but I enjoy a couple glasses.  Well eda has been telling me that the wine every night is definitely hindering me from my ‘best body.’

So do I give up my dessert and wine so that I maybe feel a little better about my body?  Hell no.  I don’t listen to her.  I would rather be happy and enjoying my life than miserable to maybe lose a few pounds.  I have sometimes been ashamed of my addiction to dessert and wine, but I take care of my body.  I eat healthy and there is nothing wrong with either of those things in moderation.

I feel like I sometimes try so hard to be something I am just not.  I became obsessed with podcasts during recovery by listening to eating disorder recovery podcasts (Recovery Warriors mainly).  I enjoy listening to them still, and not just recovery ones.  My sister suggested ‘Straight up with Stassi’ with Stassi Schroder, a Bravo reality star.  Now before you tell me it is trash, she made me realize something.  She NEVER tries to pretend she is something she is not.  That girl talks about her love of wine and doesn’t fake it.  And I am not that one glass and drunk girl.  More like a bottle, but I shouldn’t be ashamed.  I LOVE to bake and I am obsessed with ice cream.  Guess what?  That is me, I am not the girl who “only needs a bite of dessert to be happy.”  I cannot apologize for who I am and no one should.  I cannot let eda tell me that I could be happier losing a few pounds rather than enjoying life.  I choose enjoying life every damn time.  I am Ali Gray, NOT eda.

Get the title?! 😉

Mirror, mirror

5 AM wake-up calls never come easy, especially on a Monday morning.  I had a long day ahead, so I wanted to get my workout early.  I snoozed my alarm before rolling out of bed to head to a 5:45 cycling class.

Walking into the gym, I got the last cycling pass- woohoo my lucky day.  I quickly found the last bike available and began to set up, living in my own little world.  I am wedged between the mirror on my left and another younger girl on my right.  As I look to my right, my eyes nearly well-up.  It was another mirror, of myself, three years ago.  Having Anorexia myself, I am pretty darn good at being able to catch one.  It’s not that hard.  Sinew-y arms and legs, sunken in face.  It was all the things I was.

As class starts, I watch as she pushes so incredibly hard to keep those pedals going, knowing how exhausted her little body is.  All I wanted was to take her outside the room, hug her, and tell her I can help.  I know how that would have gone.  Exactly how it would have gone with me if someone did that to me years ago.  Complete denial.

As unfortunate as it was to see her, something came over me for the first time in forever if not ever.  I was proud of my body.  I was proud of the extra fat (necessary for survival) on my thighs.  I wasn’t self-conscious about the “back fat” from my sports bra or a little lump on my waist where my shorts hit.  I watched in the mirror as my legs pushed me through the class.  I NEED that meat for my body to be able to even handle the class.  My body is actually healthy.  And I actually, loved my body.

I can’t say it lasted long, but seeing how far I’ve come only makes me feel better.  I don’t think it was just a coincidence in light of National Eating Disorders Awareness Week.  God had a plan.

P.S.  Look for another post this week about recovery during this exciting week, so spread the awareness of eating disorders!

Connection

I recently finished Brene Brown’s book Daring Greatly. One thing that she constantly says is that as humans, we desire connection. I never really thought about it because we typically are in constant connection with others. Friends, family, even the person ringing you up at the grocery store or taking your Starbucks order. We are connecting with people.

When I was in eda’s control, I lost connection with so many people because I was her robot. I stepped away from relationships in fear of coming in between her desires for me. I didn’t realize at the time I was losing connection from others. I just listened to her and believed that others would in fact ruin her plans for me. That is what made me a robot, lack of connection.

When you lose connection, you realize how important it is. I moved to Charlotte, NC in July to begin graduate school in nutrition. The city is so fun, great shopping and food, and my boyfriend lives in Charlotte, so I was so excited to start a new chapter in a new city. We were so busy traveling in the fall we never had a chance to really be here. However, since the new year, we have been able to be here a lot more. Going to school (which I do not love) and not really connecting with any of the other students, I quietly sit in my seat in class and don’t talk much. If I’m not in class, I am at Starbucks getting work done or in my apartment. I have recently realized that I have completely lost connection, yet again, but not because of eda. I am alone. I sit with my thoughts, which makes it even worse. Don’t get me wrong, my boyfriend and I hang out a good bit and have a blast together. I also have a roommate, but she has a boyfriend, is a school teacher, and has family extremely close so we don’t see each other that

I have just recently lost it realizing how little connection I get. Yes, I talk to the Starbucks barista or the cashier at Whole Foods, but I yearn for more. And Cookie (my pup) is a great listener, but she can’t really reply… I don’t mean to whine (kind of), but I’ve never felt more alone. Sitting on my couch tonight is when I recognized Brene Brown’s whole point. We desperately need connection. We need to associate with others to feel human and fell important in the world. Sometimes the grass isn’t always greener, being away from many of my friends and family has been so much harder than expected. Connection is key, especially when you like to talk as much as me J

Losing My Wisdom… Teeth

On Friday, I had the joy of my first surgery.  At the ripe age of 23, I finally got my wisdom teeth removed.  Both of my sisters had it done within the past few weeks, my younger sister just about two weeks before me.  After watching her eat pizza the night after surgery, I came into thinking “man this is gonna be a cake walk!”  I mean she was wanting to go shopping with my mom and I the day after surgery.  The doctor had told us that mine were more impacted, but I assumed it couldn’t be that bad, everyone has to do it!

Friday was great- I literally slept all day with Cookie (my dog) at my feet.  I tried to muster down some yogurt and applesauce in between the Hydro that straight knocked me out.  However, that night, someone was literally HAMMERING my lower jaw.  I could not sleep a lick- the pain was nearly unbearable, despite the drugs.  I woke up on Saturday to this sight:

If you know me, I was EXTREMELY swollen.  The pain was quite miserable as well.  How is my experience so much worse than my younger sisters?!

Well, turns out that mine were much more impacted that hers, and my doctor warned my mom of my impending pain/swelling.  It has now been 5 days of yogurt, applesauce, oatmeal, pudding, ice cream, and potatoes.  I NEED REAL FOOD.  The recovery has needless to say, much more difficult than I had anticipated.

As always, I am rambling and my “misery” is not the point of my story.  It took me getting my teeth ripped out from under my gums (sorry for the potential graphic image) to sit, be calm, and relax.  For one of the first times I can truly recall, I sat on a couch literally all day long, and I did not have to beat myself up about it and let my anxiety get to me.  Don’t get me wrong, I am a world renowned napper, but I still think about what I need to be doing/beat myself up for not being more productive.

I allowed myself to lay down all day without a thought of “this is lazy, unproductive.”  I let myself actually… relax.  I didn’t think about what I needed to do for school or my internship applications, I watched movies and Hulu.

Along with the incessant sitting/laying, I have gone back to exercise, but I was gentle with myself.  In yoga if I needed to skip out on a vinyasa or a pose, I let myself.  I needed to heal.  I didn’t force myself to go to cycling classes.  I was mindful about my exercise and my recovery.  (And the fear of dry sockets was also looming)

So maybe losing your wisdom teeth, at least in my case, means gaining some wisdom.  Let myself relax.  Give myself some credit.  Be mindful.

Smiles

My parents probably thought they had the wrong baby when I first came out of my mom.  I honestly was not a very cute baby.  I had jet black hair that stuck up just like a mohawk.  On top of that, I had very chubby cheeks and huge dimples right under my eyes.  My parents said except when I was screaming crying, I was ALWAYS smiling and showing those big dimples.

In case you were worried, the black hair turned into blonde and normal hair, no more mohawk.  As a little girl, my mom always said how much I would smile.  I showed off those dimples all the time and was a very happy little girl.  I still love my dimples- they are very unique right under my eyes, but they are a little less noticeable as I have grown older.  However, they still peak out when I smile.

I like to think that I still smile a good bit.  Thinking about this recently though, my smile was diminished for some time.  You may not have been able to tell, but something behind my eyes, the twinkle and genuine happiness behind a smile was gone.  I thought I was happy, but I was tormented inside.  My smile was stolen by eda.

When I look at pictures now vs. during that dark time, I see the sparkle, I am radiating happiness.  I look truly happy, not faking a smile.  I am back to that little girl with the big ole dimples overtaking my face because the smile is real.

It is truly terrifying to think about how much people can hide inside.  From the outside, everything probably seemed perfect when eda had stolen my smile.  I was still smiling, or trying to.  But on the inside, my body was breaking itself down and I could only ever think about eating or lack there of and exercising.  I had no personality to be honest, I was all eda which meant business.

Recovery taught me that feeling is living.  Feeling sad stinks, but it makes you love the happy times.  I know what it feels like to be happy, sad, or angry because I don’t hide from my feelings.  And when I feel happy, I really am happy.  My eyes show it, not only my teeth.  🙂

Thanksgiving Difficulties

I’m going to go back two years. One of the more miserable days of my life at the beginning, but ended in a great Thanksgiving. 

It was just my immediate family for Thanksgiving dinner that year. I had begun recovery at the beginning of October, so it was still all very new to me. I didn’t know what to expect for a holiday, I honestly thought it wouldn’t be too bad. Wow, I was wrong. 

Since we weren’t having dinner until probably 8 or 8:30 that night, we decided to pick up lunch from Whole Foods. Most of my family decided to share a pizza. While I allowed myself a little cup of soup. After we ate, I was preparing one of the recipes, and I remember my sister accusing me (as I thought at the time) for only eating the soup. I quickly ran upstairs to my room, and began to hysterically cry for quite awhile. I wrote in my journal to calm myself asking why I couldn’t just be normal with food. My body can’t subsist off one meal all day, even if it was a larger Thanksgiving meal. I collected myself and went back downstairs. 

My mom immediately noticed how upset I was. We had planned to watch a DVD I had gotten from my therapist that features families with someone with an ED and how to handle it. My family agreed to watch it with me, which was hard. However, once it was over, I told my family to please ask any questions they had, and I explained that what my sister said was exactly what I don’t like to hear. I know it was out of love, but how you say something to someone with an ED is so important. This time for me to explain what I’m going through and allow them to understand what not to say was crucial for my recovery and for them to better support me.

After the conversation, my mom told me she would go heat me up a piece of pizza to eat. I ate it. And it was amazing. And I ate my thanksgiving meal. And I didn’t die. I didn’t gain 10 pounds. I was… happy. 

It ended up being actually an amazing thanksgiving with my family. Thanksgiving isn’t my favorite holiday because I try (emphasis on try) to be grateful daily. However, this Thanksgiving I am really reflecting on how much my family and loved ones have been so amazing through my recovery. And how far I’ve come in two years. I hope everyone has a very Happy Thanksgiving. Enjoy the family, laughter, and food, but don’t overwhelm yourself with that last part. Xoxo

You know when you spent hours on a unique, beautiful dinner, and your child looks at you and yells “that looks GROSS!”  You spend hours on something for work, and your boss still isn’t happy with it.  You work so hard on a project, and someone comes in and immediately knocks it down.  We have all experienced something like this.  And it hurts.

I was doing my daily devotional last night and something hit me.  The day’s verse was Psalm: 139:14 “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”  Well, do we know that full well?  We sure don’t act like it.

Anything God creates is clearly much more amazing and incredible than anything that we can do here on earth, despite the time we may spend on it.  And you know what the Lord spends the most time on and is beyond proud of?  Each one of us.  Yet, we sit around and beat down on what we hate about ourselves all. the. time.

I know I am no exception.  God made my beautiful body in His own image.  However, I spent years breaking down my body nearly to death.  I was exercising ceaselessly and not nourishing myself appropriately.  My body was turning against itself.  It had no more fat left to subsist off.  My brain was starving despite difficult college classes.  And my heart was skipping beats due to lack of nutrients.

I completely disregarded one of His (dare I say) beautiful creations that He allowed me to use during my time on earth.  He worked hard to perfect me, and I tried to ruin it.  To this day, I still often look in the mirror and want to “shrink my thighs” or “flatten my belly to a perfect 6 pack.”  This is once again hating on his creation.  I am criticizing what He has given and made for me.  What He has given me is “wonderful,” so how can I act this way?  How can any of us?

The Bible verse was much needed in that moment for me.  I am constantly in a battle with my mind, hating my body.  Now I realize, I am criticizing God’s body and His wonderful creation.  I cannot allow eda to let me disobey God and his lovely makings.

Self-love

Self love. It’s one of those things that you may never think about. You love yourself, not necessarily in a conceited way, you’re just happy in your body. For some it may be different, like me. From as long as I can remember, I never really had to worry what my body looked like. I was naturally thin, I ate fairly healthy, but I was a normal American kid. I loved fast food, pizza, and cake. Like i said, I maintained a slim figure without worrying about food until puberty hit. Don’t get me wrong, in no way, shape, or form was I overweight, but I will never forget noticing cellulite on my thighs while sitting cross legged in 10th grade honors algebra. Cue mini heart attack. I’m not supposed to have that!From that day on, I completely stopped eating those dream-worthy cafeteria cookies- easy fix! And it was for awhile, until fast forward to over-exercising then the anorexia. Y’all know the story, and it’s not exactly my point. 

So needless to say 10th grade began the downward spiral of my own self-love. The relationship I have mentioned previously definitely did not help, or the shock of college. 

Anyways, in the bouts of eda, my self-love completely went away. I was literally killing my body by exercising 2+ hours even though I truly thought I would fall over and eating little. I had no idea this was going on though honestly. I was numb. Once I began recovery, I realized how much I hated myself. I was so unhappy, but I was numb. I couldn’t feel anything really except to keep exercising and eat as little as possible. 

Now that I can feel, I feel my lack of self-love. I want to love my body, but I just usually don’t. I have really been working on my self-love through the help of Brene Brown’s book, The Gifts of Imperfection. I’m learning to love myself even if I’m not perfect. The past few weekends, I have been posed with so many challenging foods. When I’m around them, I eat them. Sunday comes around, and I feel like a cow and my self-love is rock bottom. It’s an endless cycle. I tell myself, next weekend, I will avoid eating a little too many of those foods. To myself, I am not where I would like to be, but I tell myself, would I rather be happy and enjoy food and drinking with a few extra lbs or not allowing myself to experience these things with loved ones? It’s self-love to allow myself the freedom to maybe eat a little extra of those chicken nuggets or a few more fries. It’s life. It’s loving myself no matter what. 

Self-love seems like it should be so easy. Love yourself that God created in His own image. It’s a key in Christianity, but I’m still working on it. 

Give AND take

A couple weeks ago, my boyfriend and I were talking on the phone. We try to do this a few nights a week once he’s off work since we’re not in the same city (yet!!). 
I hadn’t had work that day, so he continued on about how his day went. I allowed him to speak while I just listened. Eventually, the conversation came to an end, due to me basically fuming and we hung up. I immediately teared up. I allowed him to go I about his day, which I am always wanting to hear about. Yet I was livid he didn’t ask about mine. But I let that happen. Because I didn’t want to “burden” him with my mundane experiences that day. I was upset at him, but I was ultimately angry with myself. I allowed him to tell me all about his day but refused to disclose about myself. 

This has been a major issue for me in recovery. Trying to get over my people pleasing, perfectionism. I want everyone around me happy. I want to listen and don’t want to talk. I don’t want to burden others about my problems or life in general. So I close myself off. And I was so angry I allowed it to happen during this phone call. 

As y’all know, my yoga teacher gives me lots of insight into my life throughout the practice. Yesterday, she said “you must allow yourself to receive as much as you give.” Again, she is not only talking about in the physical body but emotionally as well. 

With eda, I would drain myself completely. I would give EVERYTHING to my exercise, avoidance of food, and to others. But I refused to receive anything from anyone else. I would revert all conversations back to the other person. I thought I was being selfless, but in truth, I was not being true to myself. I am not at all doting on myself saying I’m such a great person/listener. I am FARRRRRR from that. However, I am constantly trying to hard to make everyone else happy, I neglect my self sometimes. 

This is definitely still a work in progress for me. To recognize that I am not being selfish but relationships are about receiving and giving. Not just giving on my part. You would never think about the other things along with ED besides the food and sometimes exercise, but as I have experienced, the personality traits can be the hardest to overcome.