Whine Desert

Anyone who knows me knows that I have dessert every single night.  I love to bake so it is usually some sort of baked good with ice cream on top (PS Halo Top is the bomb)!  This was even the case when eda was in my life.  It was the one thing that I truly think saved my life.  I would eat literally nothing all day except a protein bar and exercise 2+ hours, but I always had my dessert.  It has always been ‘my time’ with my dessert in bed watching TV.

A couple months ago, I decided to try to avoid desserts because I felt like I was not eating as much during the day because I was ‘saving up’ for dessert that night.  It was really hard and I missed my dessert so much.  Finally while on spring break, my sister basically said cut it out, that is eda talking.  And you know what?  She was so right.  My ice cream time is my time and usually one of my favorite parts of my day.

Another love of mine is wine.  This past year, school isn’t super stressful and time consuming, unlike undergrad.  In addition as most of you know, I have been extremely lonely in Charlotte with few girlfriends.  So honestly, wine has become a major relaxation mechanism for me.  Now don’t get me wrong, I am not chugging wine every night, but I enjoy a couple glasses.  Well eda has been telling me that the wine every night is definitely hindering me from my ‘best body.’

So do I give up my dessert and wine so that I maybe feel a little better about my body?  Hell no.  I don’t listen to her.  I would rather be happy and enjoying my life than miserable to maybe lose a few pounds.  I have sometimes been ashamed of my addiction to dessert and wine, but I take care of my body.  I eat healthy and there is nothing wrong with either of those things in moderation.

I feel like I sometimes try so hard to be something I am just not.  I became obsessed with podcasts during recovery by listening to eating disorder recovery podcasts (Recovery Warriors mainly).  I enjoy listening to them still, and not just recovery ones.  My sister suggested ‘Straight up with Stassi’ with Stassi Schroder, a Bravo reality star.  Now before you tell me it is trash, she made me realize something.  She NEVER tries to pretend she is something she is not.  That girl talks about her love of wine and doesn’t fake it.  And I am not that one glass and drunk girl.  More like a bottle, but I shouldn’t be ashamed.  I LOVE to bake and I am obsessed with ice cream.  Guess what?  That is me, I am not the girl who “only needs a bite of dessert to be happy.”  I cannot apologize for who I am and no one should.  I cannot let eda tell me that I could be happier losing a few pounds rather than enjoying life.  I choose enjoying life every damn time.  I am Ali Gray, NOT eda.

Get the title?! 😉

You know when you spent hours on a unique, beautiful dinner, and your child looks at you and yells “that looks GROSS!”  You spend hours on something for work, and your boss still isn’t happy with it.  You work so hard on a project, and someone comes in and immediately knocks it down.  We have all experienced something like this.  And it hurts.

I was doing my daily devotional last night and something hit me.  The day’s verse was Psalm: 139:14 “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”  Well, do we know that full well?  We sure don’t act like it.

Anything God creates is clearly much more amazing and incredible than anything that we can do here on earth, despite the time we may spend on it.  And you know what the Lord spends the most time on and is beyond proud of?  Each one of us.  Yet, we sit around and beat down on what we hate about ourselves all. the. time.

I know I am no exception.  God made my beautiful body in His own image.  However, I spent years breaking down my body nearly to death.  I was exercising ceaselessly and not nourishing myself appropriately.  My body was turning against itself.  It had no more fat left to subsist off.  My brain was starving despite difficult college classes.  And my heart was skipping beats due to lack of nutrients.

I completely disregarded one of His (dare I say) beautiful creations that He allowed me to use during my time on earth.  He worked hard to perfect me, and I tried to ruin it.  To this day, I still often look in the mirror and want to “shrink my thighs” or “flatten my belly to a perfect 6 pack.”  This is once again hating on his creation.  I am criticizing what He has given and made for me.  What He has given me is “wonderful,” so how can I act this way?  How can any of us?

The Bible verse was much needed in that moment for me.  I am constantly in a battle with my mind, hating my body.  Now I realize, I am criticizing God’s body and His wonderful creation.  I cannot allow eda to let me disobey God and his lovely makings.

One Year

Tomorrow marks exactly one year since I “began” recovery. I had my first meeting with my therapist. I remember going into her office, terrified of what was to come, but I also was confident. I just have an eating problem, I am definitely not anorexic. It will just take a couple weeks to build my stomach up to eat more and maybe exercise a little less, right?! Not quite…

My first meeting just consisted of basics of my daily life, followed by homework to write down everything that I ate each day until our next meeting the following week. Soon after, my therapist diagnosed me with anorexia, plain and simple. I was eating not even half the calories I was burning each day. This news came as a complete shock to me. I seriously did not think I was genuinely anorexic. The diagnosis killed I felt like everyone I saw was staring at me. “Look at her. She’s ANOREXIC.” “What a freak!” “She is going to therapy for not eating.” “How can she not eat?” I felt like everyone around me immediately knew that I had this disorder. I cried almost every day. I felt so judged, embarrassed, and self-conscious.

Those first six months of recovery were the most difficult of my life. Refeeding my body, increasing my food intake, severely decreasing exercise. I was beside myself, confused, overwhelmed, and constantly worried that I would never reach recovery. I severely lacked confidence, especially as my weight began to restore.

However, a year can make a world of difference. I have been feeling better than ever. Eda feels so far away from me most of the time now. The best part: I am no longer ashamed of Eda. I am actually okay with people knowing about my anorexia. I am not defined by my disease, but it has taught me so much over the past year. I don’t care if people want to judge me on the fact that it has taken me a year to learn to eat normal and that I basically used to be unable to eat. I am almost to the point of sharing my story with anyone who wants to listen. I want people to be aware of eating disorders and understand them. I want people to know it is not a choice, but a bad mixture of genetics, environment, along with other factors.

My comfort with my struggle with Eda has helped me decide what I even may do with my life. I am a nutrition major, my wouldn’t that have been hilarious if I was still engulfed in Eda. So I have decided that I eventually want to be a dietitian for people with eating disorders. It takes one to know one. I want to use my own personal experience to help others get to this point I am at and even beyond to full recovery. This is no doubt a daunting job, but I want to help people see how incredible life is without their own Eda. I know as well as anyone how manipulative Eda can be, so I want to work with others to develop tactics to overcome her.

I am no longer scared of suffering from anorexia. I am not self-conscious that I may be labeled based on my disease. I am proud of how far I have come. To overcome your ED, you realize how strong you are. If I can do it, I believe any one can, and I want to help others recognize this as well and renourish their bodies.

I could not have gone through this year without so much help from my supporters. I am so appreciative of everything God has blessed me with to be in recovery for an entire year. And I plan to continue years to come overcoming and eventually overcame Eda.

My Story

As I have become more confident in my recovery, I am less ‘embarrassed’ that I have anorexia. Along with that, I feel more comfortable talking about EDs especially my personal experience with Eda. So, I think it is time for me to tell my own story. It will obviously be extremely condensed, but I think the story behind Eda is important.

Growing up, I had always been thin. I never really had that awkward phase in middle school with the chubby cheeks and pot belly. (Of course I had an awkward phase- thanks to braces, but just not with the baby fat). My parents are both very active and healthy and exercise daily.  I always enjoyed running and playing sports throughout my younger years and kept active as well.  The first ‘bullet’ was genetic since I am extremely Type A like my parents and very avid about exercise and fitness.

Junior year of high school, I joined a gym after my tennis season had ended so that I would have a treadmill to run on as it was getting cold outside. I loved it! I started going to the gym every day after school. I mean I could run 7:30 min/mile for 6-8 miles every single day! I even began realizing that I could run and even ride the stationary bike or take a cycling class, along with strength training. Looking back now, I have realized something about my dedication to my workout routine. I fell in love with the running because I knew I was good at it, it gave me confidence and control. During this time, I was being extremely controlled in a very unhealthy high school relationship, so I found my own control over my life through running. I was so (truthfully) brainwashed that I did not make this connection at the time. I would never blame one person or thing for Eda, but this was the first bullet into the gun.

Despite me overzealous exercise, I ate a good deal to replenish my body. I had stable relationships with my friends and worked my gym time around my social calendar and school activities. I definitely took the exercise way too far, but I was still fairly healthy and mostly without Eda.

The trigger to the gun was college. I had come from a small private school, graduating with 66, to a large public college with 18,000 students. My mom was my absolute best friend in high school and actually helped me so incredibly much when I finally ended my toxic high school relationship. So, it was really hard to leave her and my family and into a very different situation. I continued my exercise routine in college, but on top of the strenuous exercise, I was eating about half as much. The dining halls did not have the best or most exciting options for me, so I began eating less and less without really noticing. However, when my parents visited me about a month after I had been in school, they both noted that I looked a lot thinner. I knew this and tried to increase my intake, I wasn’t ‘proud’ of my thinness, yet. But as time went on, I kind of started liking the attention I was getting. I was at a huge college with so many pretty and skinny girls, I wanted to be the skinniest if I couldn’t be the prettiest.

Spring semester of freshman year, I started skipping meals. Wow! I had such a willpower, I could not eat until about 3 or 4 PM without getting that So this continued, along with continuing my exercise obsession, and I began eating less and less.

That summer it kept getting worse, I lived at my beach house with my mom with my sisters and dad coming on the weekends. I worked on the beach all day, which allowed for me to easily skip lunch without it looking really weird. I got comments about “needing a cheeseburger” while in my bathing suit. Eda smiled. Since I was extremely undernourished, I was a monster. I can never forgive myself for how I acted towards my mom. It makes me sick to think about, but she and I know now it was Eda speaking, not AG. AG was starving.

Now to sophomore year, I moved onto my sorority hall in a room all by myself. When shopping for my room, I talked my mom into buying me a scale so that I could “make sure I didn’t lose any more weight.” Hahahahhahahaha or weigh myself 5+ times a day. Living alone also helped so hide Eda. I was still hardly eating and would use coffee throughout the day to keep myself going. I was getting more people worried about me but I kept telling myself I didn’t have a problem! I just didn’t really need

Spring semester of sophomore year, a guy started texting me and wanting to hang out a lot. I really liked him and we had fun together, but Eda knew he would get in the way. We started dating, but I always kept my distance, he would mess up Eda’s plans for me. That summer, I went to Barcelona for a month, and Eda talked me into breaking up with him. He just “wasn’t right for me and too over bearing.” Once I got home, I was a monster to my family again and honestly a misery to be around. AG was absolutely starving and Eda didn’t like my family trying to get me to eat more and exercise less- NOT apart of her plan.

I moved into my house with 3 roommates junior year, and I hit my peak. Since I was no longer on campus, I would spend all day on campus with maybe one protein bar to sustain me. Dinner was always the one meal I would kind of eat, but dinner started becoming steamed vegetables. Everyone was worried. I was at my lowest weight of about 94 lbs at 5’5.” I had no energy and was completely isolating myself from absolutely everyone.

After about a month and a half into junior year, I realized that I am so lucky in my life, but I needed help. My mom came to see me at school- we had dinner and talked about everything. Along with my decision to get help, I knew that my previous boyfriend was someone I needed back in my life. He was actually perfect for me, so supportive, fun, and sweet, and I knew that Eda had driven me away from him. So along with recovery, he was something else I needed.

I researched therapists in the local area for ED and happened to find one who was extremely specialized in eating disorders in the larger city about 45 minutes my school. The same day as my first meeting, I also got back together with my boyfriend and told him everything.

That was last October. I never thought I would be where I am now, but recovery is possible and I feel that is so close. This has been the most difficult yet rewarding experiences of my life. Absolutely no one can understand what it is like unless you go through it, and if you do, you can relate in an amazing way. I read other people’s stories, and I feel as if it was exactly my own. I know this was long but honestly I feel like I left out so much of my background. Soon, I will blog about my recovery journey too!

See-sawing

Yesterday I had my weekly weigh-in. This day is always extremely nerve-wrecking. I am praying for progress because I have been working so hard. I want my family, therapist, and dietician to be proud of me and to see the results of my hard work. Ad guess what? I gained again! Not quite to my goal but very I am almost to my weight before my anorexia began which is super exciting, right?!

After I was weighed, I, AG, felt so happy! I am getting closer to freedom from Eda. But, I also felt that pit in my stomach- Eda’s disappointment and wrath. UGH. I am feeling extremely I just want to be able to feel all of my own feelings without any emotions from Eda. I am nearing 10 months into recovery. I know recovering from an ED takes a long time, but I am so impatient. I want this frustration to just go away.

I am on a seesaw against Eda. Sometimes or usually, I am the one up high- happy, enjoying life, feeling confident and pretty. But times like yesterday, Eda was beginning to get higher as I got lower. I lose self-confidence and happiness. It’s a constant fight. She wants me to feel so bad about gaining weight. “AG, you are not gonna be the skinniest anymore! You have lost all of your willpower. LISTEN TO ME!” She shouts. She makes me feel guilty for gaining weight.

This is where is this disease is absolutely disgusting, atrocious, sick, abominable, I could go on. I NEED to gain this weight. I am SO much happier and healthier now, I look so much better than I did- less bones, more muscle and ‘meat.’ It is going to take time to get these Eda thoughts completely from my head but for now I will have to deal with the frustration and keep pushing on. I have absolute confidence that I will overcome Eda, but it will take time, patience, and hard work.  I will regain my weight and live an even happier life without Eda’s strain and voice in my head.

Carry On

I remember going on many trips with my family when I was younger. It begins with so much excitement preparing for the trip and all the upcoming adventures to be had. We would get into the car with eagerness and maybe a touch of nervousness of what was ahead. However once the traveling began, problems always arose. We would fight over who had more room, which movie to watch, what game to play. And of course, “how much longer!?!?” A trip begins with excitement and some apprehension, but obstacles eventually emerge on the road.

When I decided to start my journey to recovery from Eda, it obviously began with a great deal of anxiety, but I also felt some curiosity. I enjoy trying new things and challenges, so naturally, I was eager to push myself and get better. This enthusiasm did not last long, though. I had absolutely no idea how flipping hard it would be to deter from Eda. I didn’t realize how much she controlled everything I did, and recovery meant trying to ignore that voice 24/7. The journey is more difficult than I could have ever imagined. I’m not going to lie, there were times that I knew I could take a detour, cheat on recovery and go back to Eda. During the hardest times, the choice to turn back to Eda even flickered in my mind.

If you are recovering as well, you know how hard the journey is and how seemingly easy it would be to go back to that old life. But I know that life is not actually easier, only harder, lifeless, and deadly. Many journeys in people’s lives are treacherous and scary, but everyone is given their particular journey for a reason. I firmly believe that God makes everything happen for a reason, and for those battling an ED, we must continue to beat down that voice in our heads. I’ve heard recoverees often being called ‘warriors’ which I love. We are warriors of this heinous disease, and we power through this journey to beat our ED.  We are stronger than that voice.  Carry on, warrior!