Give AND take

A couple weeks ago, my boyfriend and I were talking on the phone. We try to do this a few nights a week once he’s off work since we’re not in the same city (yet!!). 
I hadn’t had work that day, so he continued on about how his day went. I allowed him to speak while I just listened. Eventually, the conversation came to an end, due to me basically fuming and we hung up. I immediately teared up. I allowed him to go I about his day, which I am always wanting to hear about. Yet I was livid he didn’t ask about mine. But I let that happen. Because I didn’t want to “burden” him with my mundane experiences that day. I was upset at him, but I was ultimately angry with myself. I allowed him to tell me all about his day but refused to disclose about myself. 

This has been a major issue for me in recovery. Trying to get over my people pleasing, perfectionism. I want everyone around me happy. I want to listen and don’t want to talk. I don’t want to burden others about my problems or life in general. So I close myself off. And I was so angry I allowed it to happen during this phone call. 

As y’all know, my yoga teacher gives me lots of insight into my life throughout the practice. Yesterday, she said “you must allow yourself to receive as much as you give.” Again, she is not only talking about in the physical body but emotionally as well. 

With eda, I would drain myself completely. I would give EVERYTHING to my exercise, avoidance of food, and to others. But I refused to receive anything from anyone else. I would revert all conversations back to the other person. I thought I was being selfless, but in truth, I was not being true to myself. I am not at all doting on myself saying I’m such a great person/listener. I am FARRRRRR from that. However, I am constantly trying to hard to make everyone else happy, I neglect my self sometimes. 

This is definitely still a work in progress for me. To recognize that I am not being selfish but relationships are about receiving and giving. Not just giving on my part. You would never think about the other things along with ED besides the food and sometimes exercise, but as I have experienced, the personality traits can be the hardest to overcome.